My Fear Of Chess

It's hard to explain certain fears to certain people. They just won't get it. The typical things to be afraid of are heights, enclosed spaces, clowns, spiders, snakes, and insects in general. But if you ask anyone who has been tortured in one way shape or form what they fear, ten to one odds are that they'll be afraid of what they were tortured with.

One of my greatest fears is the game of Chess. My mom doesn't know it. Dad doesn't know it. Siblings have no clue. Hell, even the boyfriend doesn't know. But I'm terrified of the game of chess.

My past is dirty. I won't even try to lie about it. I've been through more shit than someone should ever have to deal with. It's not something I would ever wish on someone else, but it is what it is. It's my past. I own up to it, I own it completely.

I was raped and molested for about three years. It started when I was in kindergarten and continued until I was in third grade. For those of you that don't know that time frame, from the time I was five until the time I was eight.

It was hard to deal with growing up. Chess was a symbol of me being molested. When asked if I wanted to play a game, I was given two options. Chess, or chest. As a five year old, I had problems keeping the T off of the end of Chess. It always came out Chest.

I'll spare the gory details of how it happened and what exactly happened. That's something that I've come to terms with over the last sixteen years of my life.

To this day, I can't see a Chess set without having some sort of panic attack. The fears are real, it's how we respond to it that makes us who we are.